if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
