I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
