Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize