nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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