I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
