I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
