Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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