Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
