I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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