Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
