Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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