I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
