Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
