I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
