Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
