My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
