I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
