i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
