I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize