I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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