Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
