and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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