So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
she told me i tasted like america
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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