I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
