tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
