a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
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