Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
