i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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