Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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