Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
