My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
