yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
