im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize