mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
