as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
