before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
