this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
she smelled like a LAN party
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
