he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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