My room smells like vodka and shame
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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