I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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