i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
