put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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