I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
