You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
