he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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