i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
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