i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
