i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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