Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
