Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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