Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Randomize
