Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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