He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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