mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
