I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
