You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
