youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
this beer tastes like vomit already
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
