then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my vag is so smooth its legendary
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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