Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Randomize
