yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
