You don't have asthma, your pregnant
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
