At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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